We only begin to live when we conceive life as..Tragedy...

it sucks here.
i hate it most days.
i hate what i've become and what i've lost.
i wish for times i shouldn't.
i hate being a grown up and trying to act responsible.
being hopeless with no goals is so much easier. you never let yourself down.
whatever.

oh live journal.

For those who care...
I have a new number now, since the old one freaky people called me on too much.
its 231 343 2110.

So i'm writing a new zine..And i want to have some other people write some junk for it. Its pretty open, basically i want something like..
I believe..... because....

The whole thing is going to be about differing beliefs, in a close community of people, accepting other ideas and building walls and separating us all futher. Closing doors in the sake of our own beliefs, shutting people out, when ides are very similar. I got this idea from a situation i heard about thats been happening lately with some people and a certain town. I trying to stay very neutral but i want to present both sides as a way of opening up communication.

call me crazy, i'm pretty much going to be mailing this to whomever wants a copy. i'm lame and i don't get out much.

fell free to email me too if what you want to say is personal and you want it annoyomous. xkaty15x@hotmail.com

i'm not sure how to feel about this..who the hell is that dude with the afro, and how the heck do i look like him?! not to mention i picked the lamest picture of myself. haha. everyone should do this!

Ok i just had to copy and post this from Kevin. I want to share this with everyone! And I totally agree with Kevin..i've never met a teenager that did'nt have less than five of these characteristics.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.

The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

* Frequently wears black clothing.
* Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
* Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
* Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
* Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
* Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
* Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
* Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
* Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
* Takes drugs.
* Drinks alcohol.
* Is suicidal and/or depressed.
* Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
* Complains of boredom.
* Sleeps too excessively or too little.
* Is excessively awake during the night.
* Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
* Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
* Spends large amounts of time alone.
* Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
* Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
* Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
* Misbehaves at school.
* Misbehaves at home.
* Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
* Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
* Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
* Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
* Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
* Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
* Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
* Expresses an interest in sex.
* Masturbates
* Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
* Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
* Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
* Claims to be a goth.


If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~ St. Mary's Catholic Church

livejournal is for bitches.

Today is so sad. Its raining. Things aren't going well and everything just seams to be spirling out of wack. I dream of warm summer nights laying on red dirt under pink skys. What is out there other than a dream?
Don't get me wrong i love the snow globe sometimes but i just can't help but think that this feeling means that i'm supposed to move on. Could it be the antisipated summer? the lack of sun? the disire to break with rutine? blah.
Its just leaving me uncomfortable, bitchy..and pesimistic. Maybe i'm pmsing.

You know the feeling where you just can't quite grasp onto something, you can't quite put a name to a feeling. Thats been pretty much that last month of my life.
Last weekend was my birthday, i'm 21 now. Had a pretty good birthday, was able to, thanks to my dear mother, sufice my addiction to shoes, maryjane type shoes. oooo.

Lastnight Derek and I watched this movie called "Paperclips". The paperclip was actually made by a sweedish designer as a sign against the nazi party. So this school in Tennessee decided that they were going to start collecting paperclips and try to get 6 million of them, they started writing people they knew, other schools, state rep's and even Tom hanks, asking them to send paperclips. They started the project in 1998 and in 2001 they had over 27 million paperclips from donations as far away as Germany and Poland. They got so much response that this German couple found an authentic box car from the time that they were used to transport Jews to the concentration camps. It was so cool to see all these kids coming together and working towards this common goal,to fight intolerance. It was kinda cheesy in some parts but overall, it was a really good documentary, i highly reccomend it.

Too much ebay, too many out of control molments. thus is life.

defemation of character week, to those who might be new to this idea, is "to showcase things about yourself that are embarrassing, shameful, or gross in order to counteract the natural tendency to make yourself seem like a flawlessly hip, smart, and otherwise swell person" :

1.i really like hilary duff, and linsey lohan movies.
2.sometimes i ask more of people than i give to them, inturn i overlook my own shortcomings.
3. i am very sexual naieve and unexperienced. half because i was raised in a very religious family and half because i was scared and shy.
4. when i get flustered or overwellmed i just cry.

So after the show at the warehouse, i proceeded to get violently ill, including barfing and fevers and madness. Not the band.
I'm better now.
This weekend i seriously did nothing but watch moives and drink water, or soda.
I went bowling on Saturday and won, i only got a 104 but that seamed to be enouph to beat all those losers!!

oh man. gwen stefani.

Tonights show at the warehouse!! COME OR DIE!!

STEMCELL [budweisers & mullets]
ENRAPTURE [brutal]
PANACEA [ as cortnee said the best of the best, lets not lie]
ACROSS THE HALL [from GR]

Doors open at 8pm. Show starts at 9pm. $5 at the door or whatever change you got.
PLEASE HELP SAVE THE WAREHOUSE FROM CLOSING!!!!Pretty please with sugar on top and blow jobs and boobies and...ice cream and tahitian treat!! and gummy worms, and beer or something..whatever..come.
823 WESTERN AVE.

ps. i'm convincing aren't i.

Today a man came into the shop today.
It turned out that he wanted this nipples pierced.
I talked with him about jewelry,about the process that was going to happen during the course of the piercings, then told him that the first step was to clean the area.
His response when i began to clean it, was "oh your turning me on".
That my purpose was to gratify him, that i wasn't a skilled adult, i wasn't even a person.
I am so tired of being looked at as weak,meek or timid, an object whose only purpose being to serve,obviously unskilled , obviously not knowledgeable about my own lively-hood, obviously I was only here for one fucking reason. TO TURN YOU ON.

I wish i could say that this doesn't happen often and that when i ride home at night and see men walking down the road towards me that i'm not scared. I wish i could say that i've never been taken advantage of, that i've never been sexually assaulted, that i've never been told that "girls who talk like me are going to get raped". I wish that i was looked at like a person, or even as an equal.
I hate that it makes me feel like a scared little girl, and that i just want to be somewhere that i feel safe from people who would harm me, but i do. On a daily basis, because i am a women.

With the newly appointed court justice Alito things are only going to be get worse. No only are we seen as less then human, we are also apparently unable to make choices for ourselves.
People say that we've been fighting racism since the dawn of time, jews, africian americans, muslims, and women.
Degrade, dehumanize, humiliate, demean.
I also read this story in the news today about his man who kidnapped his own wife and had her sign a "contract of wifely duties", which included her shaving every three days. She was also expected to be naked, regardless if she wanted to or not 20 mins after the kids went to bed. Now he's being charged with kidnapping, but what about rape and sexually harassment?!
I don't care if you are married, her body is her own and no man, no court of law nothing has the right to tell her what to do with it. Its not territory to be won,its not another conquest to achieve. If there is one thing in this world that is yours that no one can touch it should be your body. Am i wrong?
There are so many things that should be. One thing that they can't take and i'll die before they will is my mind. Until this stops, i won't be quiet and timid anymore.
I hope i never have children. This world is to disgusting.

then with all the courage she could muster,
weighed down by her bag full of lostdreams
and misplaced childhood ideals,
she sighed.
"Since I grew tired of the chase
And search, I learned to find
And since the wind blows in my face,
I sail with every wind..."

i haven't updated in a long ass time. i guess i just really haven't had a lot of things that i wanted to say to the livejournal world. life at the shop is life at the shop. somedays are sweet, other make me want ot rip out my eyeballs. there seams to be this air about recently...things have changed. And not so much in a bad way but more the way that you did'nt see when it was happening but only after it happened did you see what was diffrent. people that i care about seem to all be falling victim to the season. i just hope that warm weather comes quickly and we all feel its warmth on our faces once again.

i guess Luke and Ryan went to Dallas..for those of who care, i heard from them when they were there and they told me they were coming back. I haven't heard anything since that. I guess i may have come off as really uncaring about the whole situation, but honestly..sometimes i'm just completely tired of the shit.

i went through a phase last week where i really wanted to drink coffee everyday, like two or three cups. it made me sooo shakey. This week seams to be coffee free thus far, but it is only wednesday.

when is it that we grow up? do we really have a choice in the matter and what is it that makes us grown up? is it when we no longer relate to the people and things that we once swore that we'd never get tired of? or is it when we finally live on our own? Or when we lose those ideals that we held so dear growing up, and when we finally understands what defines us and what just fills that space so people can't see things we don't want them too? i know that there has been a lot of times in mylife that i've changes ideas and started on a new leg. the person you are when you are 16 is'nt the same as the person who looks back at you in the mirror when your 21, well in essance it is..but your diffrent. life is confusing, i guess it keeps things interesting though.

sorry, this was a boring post.

so i just reread "off the map" and i had forgotten a lot of it. it reminded me how important your dreams are. don't get me wrong sometimes while reading it i found my self saying "get on with it.. enouph about dreaming already" but its so true. if you don't have those what the fuck do you have anyway.
i feel like winter has consumed every glem of hope in me. to feel some sun on my cheeks would improve me disposition greatly. lastnight i went to sleep at 7pm. i didn't feel like i had a reason to not be sleeping. theres this cloud that has been looming over me and now i feel like i'm suffocating.
i guess the situations is alot different than other times i've reached this cross road. i have a lot to lose. someone once told me that we all can only hope for things to be good, its so much easier to just find consistancy in things sucking. we all have to maintain somehow.
so i guess dirk's in jail for 60 days and then he gets work release. that sucks hard. remind me to never go to jail. i know its tempting sometimes..but really..i'll pass.
i got a letter from joy and one from tonya. its good to get mail. the one from joy had really old pictures in it that made me smile. so silly.

when the kids are united they will never be divided.

keep you heads up kids..spring is on its way.

Since were on the subject..i feel greatful and lucky that i have people in mylife that i love and that love me. That things in the last year have turned in a direction that i did'nt think, for a time, they every would. The goal seems too far to reach and the path so hard to take. Some people are still on that road and the light at the end of the tunnel seams dim. Its life though man. In one way or another we are all on some kind of path or journey to achieve enlightenment or self actualization. To better ourselves and the relationships with those around us. This season almost seams like a break sometimes, for us to sit back and look at people in glowing light that makes things look not so bad anymore..people get along and they are paticent and giving to one another.

Lastnight this women calling in to this radio station to tell her story about her and her son seeing this homeless man digging in a dumpster for food or whatnot and them being filled with the christmas sprit to help him. If only that christmas spirt were around the other 11 months out of the year when he's looking in that dumpster for food. The sprit and the love, hope, and appreciation we feel for people around this time of the year is good but what about the rest of the year? Should we want to help our fellow man all the time? or is everything this time a year make up for everyone we look past the rest of the year. or the more we make sure that people know we "did our part durring the holidays..that we paid our dues and we're not so bad"..
I'm just glad that people don't honk thier horn and yell at me so much when i'm riding my bike down henry when its around chirstmas.
Life is funny sometimes. a lot of the time.

I hope everyone has a good holiday being with the ones they love. Remember that tomarrow is not so bleak when you really think about it.

Incase you care..
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. Vet-Clinic assistant, East Plano Animal Clinic
2. Day-care Kid watcher, Plano
3. clear off table girl Wolfgangs in Grand Rapids
4. Piercer Area 51-Present (Muskegon)

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. O'Brother where art thou?
2. Garden State
3. Dumb and Dumber
4. Sixteen Candle (or any movie with Molly Ringwald)

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN:
1. Weaton, MD
2. St.Louis, MO
3. Plano,Tx
4. Grand Rapids, MI

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. Roswell
2. Queer as Folk
3. Leave it to Beaver
4. Blind Date

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Gulf Shores,Flordia
2. Las Vegas
3. Denver, Co
4. every other state..except Alaska and Hawaii

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
1. LiveJournal
2. Myspace
3. Xanga
4. Hotmail

FOUR OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS:
1. Osaki Sushi (Plano)
2. Earwax (Chicago)
3. Waffee House (Anywhere)
4. Hollywood Cafe (Chicago)

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
1. chocolate covered cherry ice cream
2. rice
3. tofu
4. bannanas

FOUR SCHOOLS YOU'VE ATTENDED:
1. Aquinas College
2. Plano East Senior High
3. Williams High School
4. Armstrong Middle School

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. In bed
2. the Carribean sailing around with Johny Depp
3. the jungle with my animal friends
4. degrassi high

Its only one and i'm already very ready to go back to sleep. Not really cus i'm tired i'd rather just hide than talk to anyone today. In the first day of my period and i'm wearing the comfy clothes. So it'll be ok, i'll make it through. This weekend..was dramatic, for some reason thats the only word i can think of to use. Mostly on my account. I should write for Passions, not saying that the writers don't do a good job of coming up with some good dramatic senarios but shit..i'm the freaking queen. I could win that show a Oscar! I used to write stories when i was in like 8th grade..
ooooooooo
chirstmas is sweet!! we just got a big box in the mail!!

Beauty and the Beat- The Go go's is the best album ever. It is perfect. I got the record when i was like 10 from my mom and i used to turn it up really loud and sing my little heart out. Who wants to start a band like that. With strong singing about skidmarks on our hearts and about having the friggin beat!! Ahh..i'm so all about them. They are my favorite band ever.
I did'nt get out to the show lastnight but i heard that it was pretty rad, that tough shit was pretty fucking rad! Well..it is fronted by two very amazing women, so why would'nt it be. Hell yeah riot girls!
Some days i'm so proud to be a girl! Who's with me!
XXXVaginaxCoreXXX

ps. i know cortnee's with me!